of torn up after witnessing such an epic pants crapping by Tom
Brady and The New England Patriots two nights ago. With an explosion feces of such a magnificent caliber, the eyes of your average Boston
sports fan will be averted to the next home team and draw much deserved
attention to the Bruins and a fairly decent Celtics team. With the Red Sox
still weeks away from what will surely be an orphanage fire of a season, I
would wager the lines to board the Boston Bruins bandwagon are going to start
filling up very soon, that is, after everyone gets over the shock of seeing so
much human excrement spilled across the turf at Gillette Stadium.
learned from the Bruins cup run two years ago, there are inherent evils that
come along with a niche sport like hockey getting so much attention, the first
being the gaggle of assholes that have an uncanny ability of getting their
silky hands on rink side seats. There are really only three things in this
world that push me right to brink of a coma-inducing stroke. One: IKEA
furniture. Really, Sweden?
Not only do you lay out your stores like the labyrinth of an evil wizard but
you price everything just cheap enough so my girlfriend thinks we can afford
it. I then spend the next 6 hours putting together a bed frame while honestly
contemplating walking outside and punching a stranger in the face. Two: When
the trash bag slips off into the can without you noticing and you end up throwing
an entire plate of spaghetti behind said fallen bag. Three: that couple staring
into the NESN cameras like a couple of gooning Asian
tourists. If it would stop the tool in the three-piece suit from getting ice
level seats; he, soulless milky eyes locked, for some reason, to the Jumbotron
and her, Xanax dulled thumbs texting away like a 16-year-old girl, I would pop
my left eye out with a soup spoon. The day of a game, I suggest a special
entrance line be created for anyone with ice level seats. If you cannot name 4
of the 6 players from the third and fourth lines, the Boston Bruins reserve the
right to revoke your rink side privileges and I get to smash your iPhone with a
ball-peen hammer in front of your face.
all heart palpitating anger. All that cheering from the bandwagon and
fraudulent excitement from evening news anchors does bring attention to a group
of athletes that are truly deserving of it. Yes, you and I may clutch the
hometown players closer to the heart while shouting assumptions about a rival
forwards mother at the television but it's all in good fun. Hockey players, no
matter the team they have a contract with, are truly awe-inspiring competitors.
Any human with an average height of 6'1 and weighing
an average of 205 lbs whom is willing to put on a pair of boots with sharpened
metal blades attached, skate 20 miles an hour, collide full speed with another 6'1, 205 lbs
human, get up, and shoot a 6 oz frozen vulcanized rubber puck 100 mphs at a 4 x 6 net for 20 minutes night after night is one
person on a very short list of people who actually deserve celebrity.
Honestly, the best thing about the squeaky
wheels of the band wagon pulling up to the Garden is turning someone completely
ignorant to hockey into a Bruins fan. The progression is slow, a lot like
rabies in the way it comes on. We, the carriers of this wonderful malady of
Bruins fandom watch as the virgin mind twists into a snarling steel trap of
statistics, history, and fervent opinion. Stage
one, or the prodromal stage, is characterized by an overall change in the
behavior. Game by game fewer questions are asked as the game rules and
regulations soak into the mind. Bathroom breaks are only taken between periods.
Finally, in the eyes of the infected, Jack Edwards becomes less a raving maniac
but more and more an amusing and insightful commentator.
second stage, or the furious stage, finds the infected often screaming at Milan
Lucic to "pick it up" through the television screen. He or she will
often question if Claude Julien understands the concept of a power play. The
final and most disturbing symptom of the furious stage is the presentation of
wandering. Between commercial breaks or periods the infected will pace between
rooms incoherently muttering. An example of this is the mumbled questioning of
a rival goalie's sexual orientation followed by a flurry of curse words both of
and alien to the English language.
the time of the playoffs the paralytic stage, the last stage of Bruins fandom,
develops. The reflexes slow as alcohol consumption increases. Carpets, couches,
and clothing are at great risk during this stage. Arms and legs will flail
randomly throughout a game turning full bowls of salsa or beer bottle into
projectiles that will indiscriminately stain and destroy. Should the Bruins be
knocked out of the playoffs, the final symptom of the paralytic stage will rear
its ugly head. A depression of monumental significance will develop and last,
on average, until the Stanley Cup is presented. From that moment until the
start of the following years training camp, at which point symptoms will speed
and intensify, the disease will go into complete remission and the infected
will regain control over their life and emotional well-being.
the groundskeepers of Gillette Stadium hose the poop off the turf, I will take
these next few lines to offer a welcome to the riders of the Bruins bandwagon.
You're coming in at a good time. Boston
has started off this abbreviated season on the right track, opening the season
with a grinding 3-2 win over the rival New York Rangers. Yesterday afternoon,
in a show of true Bruins hockey and astounding penalty killing, they beat the
Winnipeg Jets 2 -1 in a shootout.
eyes on the game and your hands off your goddamn cell phone.