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    Stanley Cup Champs

    Hoping to get 'tough,' Sharks sign nothingman John Scott to one-year deal

    Oh, San Jose. We had a chance here. A real chance to do something good for the game. And you had to go and pretend there's something of value left in what is the last of a dying species. A broken down, outdated, useless and cheap species that serves only to damage the game we love.
    An endangered species in his natural habitat: John Scott (via cbssports.com)

    The San Jose Sharks, with the fogged mindset of finding just the right kind of feared protector of their young talent on the rise, took up to signing 31-year-old, and still the most worthless player in the game, John Scott, to a one-year, $700,000 deal. 

    Yes, to the dismay of every hockey fan everywhere, as of today and leading into the immediate future and beyond, John Scott is still an active player in the National Hockey League.

    In 236 career games played, Scott has scored two goals, recorded four assists, posted a minus-18 and logged 430 penalty minutes. How did this guy ever stay on the market as long as he did?

    How smart the Sharks must be to introduce the 6-foot-8, 259-pound behemoth to their club, a move that instantly makes the Sharks a team you simply cannot push around anymore. Because when Scott is dressed in an NHL uniform and ready to hit the ice, you know he has only one thing on his mind, and it's playing on a loop: hop off the bench, find a face to punch, punch that face a few times, sit in the penalty box for five, exit the box, return to the bench, sit at the end of said bench for 55 minutes, hit the showers.

    But don't take my word for it. Take that of Scott's new general manager, Doug Wilson, when it comes to evaluating what Scott brings to the table (Fear! Intimidation! Physicality!):

    John brings a physical, no-nonsense element to our lineup...As we integrate more younger players to our team, John's presence alone can act as a deterrent and help keep teams and opposing players honest."

    Wilson somehow missed the part where Scott is a hulking, lumbering, inept, sorry excuse for a modern-day professional hockey player. He also missed the part where employing a player of Scott's caliber only serves to hamper his team in the end, as Scott will be busy taking up money, time and space away from other players on the Sharks, simply because San Jose just cannot live without his tough-guy aura.

    Scott will play in his 30-60 games this season. He will log his usual 5:00-6:00 minutes of ice time per game. He will unnecessarily fight players on other teams because that is the only thing he knows how to do. He can't skate, he can't pass, he can't shoot, and he can't contribute anything meaningful besides emulating a meat sack on skates.

    He'll set the tone in the rough and tough Western Conference. Look out, Los Angeles. Look out, Chicago. You think you have the winning formula? You think you have what it takes when it comes to protecting your star talent and setting the physical tone? 

    We won't have to wait very long to see it materialize before our very eyes. While the Kings will be busy raising their second banner in three seasons on opening night, the Sharks and John Scott will be snarling, looking for blood. He will hit the ice for his nightly beating, then return to the pine to sit the rest of the action out. 

    Or as I like to call it, a key ingredient to the winning formula.